tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3364669902775880430.post4810185506995097425..comments2023-05-22T05:23:33.917-07:00Comments on Love in the Time of Chronic Illness: helping partners cope with illness: Advice Columnist Tells Well Partner To LeaveBarbara Kivowitzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04069286366650175153noreply@blogger.comBlogger11125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3364669902775880430.post-44884691667141116802009-08-20T22:03:36.601-07:002009-08-20T22:03:36.601-07:00I got very lucky and got pregnant a year after bei...I got very lucky and got pregnant a year after being diagnosed with Atypical M.S., CFIDS, Neuropathy and Chronic Myofascial pain and had healthy twins...<br /><br />Another year later, I separated from my husband who blamed me, was wonderful in front of doctors but verbally & emotionally abusive to me at home, left me for hours & hours if I was bleeding out with no help, stepped over me if I was crawling to the bathroom on my hands and knees... I won't get more specific but thanks to a great therapist I realized he was Narcissistic<br />http://narc-attack.blogspot.com/2006/08/how-narcissist-reacts-to-disaster-in.html<br /><br />There were so many other clues but this was the clincher. It was another 5 years before I was allowed to and able to move out.<br /><br />This advice columnist is somewhat heartless. While some of the advice is good... she isn't really telling this person how or why the 'running from the sick person' is bad. Hopefully the advice-asker isn't Narcissistic. They treat the chronic like crap.<br /><br />Great blog, I will be back!Barbarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10793044176961385860noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3364669902775880430.post-358121174313398682009-08-11T18:57:18.138-07:002009-08-11T18:57:18.138-07:00Virginia - thanks for such a thorough analysis. Y...Virginia - thanks for such a thorough analysis. You really bring out perspectives that are not evident on first reading.<br /><br />Rochelle - you really express how tangled their situation is and how illness brings such complicated grief into our lives.<br /><br />Tzipporah - yes - I am perpetually awed by my partner's commitment to stick with me through the awful times. Your words remind me of something I once read - it takes two people to make a relationship, but only one to end it. She can walk at any time - why is she asking a stranger for her opinion?Barbara K.http://www.insicknessinhealth.blogspot.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3364669902775880430.post-15076987128190542872009-08-11T13:49:59.967-07:002009-08-11T13:49:59.967-07:00Granted that the advice columnist is an ass, she&#...Granted that the advice columnist is an ass, she's giving good advice, in this situation.<br /><br />The writer has not yet committed with a marriage vow. She is young. She is unhappy in her relationship (and might have been so even without the chronic illness and depression interfering).<br /><br />Yes, they could work at finding better meds/work accommodation/etc. for the boyfriend, but he certainly doesn't seem motivated to do so, and that HAS to come from him. It sounds like major depression on top of everything else.<br /><br />She's asking for permission to leave. She shouldn't need permission. It is always an option.<br /><br />Which is what makes it more remarkable when we well spouses stay.Tzipporahhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08807511259582331073noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3364669902775880430.post-82900791196419453762009-08-07T07:24:29.359-07:002009-08-07T07:24:29.359-07:00Wow, that is pathetic, sad, and cold. I think both...Wow, that is pathetic, sad, and cold. I think both partners need to seek wise counsel (not just from a columnist who doesn't know every single detail). I think the girl needs to really consider if a marital commitment to him is something she's capable of and if not, perhaps it is time to go. I think that's really sad. It's always good to see couples fight to the end, through the thick and thin. No one asks for this. It strikes wherever and whomever as God so allows. I think the guy needs to work hard to claw his way out of depression (which I know is incredibly hard in this situation) but if he really, truly loves her, he has to try. I don't think all blame is on her necessarily, but obviously he can't do as much as he used to and that needs to be okay. If they really, truly love each other, just being together even if that's doing nothing, is enough. If not, it's time for her to go, stop leading him on, commit to just being his friend, and let him move on with his life. Hopefully through that he'll also find that he can do more when he pushes himself to when he's on a good pain day (as we all know, in some cases that's okay, and other times you just can't even push yourself), and then he'll find someone even more committed than this girl. <br /><br />Either way, I think it's a sad situation. I'm sure it happens every day around us though without being fully aware. It's a hard lesson when this reality strikes home, and without the full commitment of marriage (and sometimes even with that), you may not make it. Tough world. I hope they make it, but I think without wise counsel and help, this couple won't make it. But I hope she doesn't listen to the columnist. Good grief.Rochellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14484648492290966112noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3364669902775880430.post-86389035405162493582009-08-06T16:17:18.109-07:002009-08-06T16:17:18.109-07:00In the first place, this is way too serious a life...In the first place, this is way too serious a life decision for some off-the-cuff newspaper columnist advice. <br /><br />But as long as we're playing that game, here's mine: First, I note that he works, apparently full time. My bet is that, with his illness, the job is taking everything out of him each day and week, leaving nothing for a social life or sex life or housework. <br /><br />My first question then would be whether he has revealed his illness at work and received accommodations, or whether he has considered scaling back his work or even going out on disability. Or perhaps a different line of work would be a solution: Has he contacted Vocational Rehabilitation?<br /><br />What accommodations have they made in terms of the residence--e.g., move from an upstairs to a downstairs apartment--or his daily routine (does he drive himself to work? is that exhausting? is he using public trans? do they need to move closer?) to reduce painful activity and conserve energy? Does he need assistive devices? Therapy?<br /><br />Have they been flexible about resuming their social life as a couple, or are they giving up if they can't do it exactly the same way as before? I'd as the same question about their sex lives. They need to try some creativity before they give up on the relationship.<br /><br />And if he can work, he doesn't need a nursemaid 24/7 and she should be getting back to her own life some nights and weekends. Allowing herself to be chained to the couch along with him serves no purpose and appears to be doing them a lot of damage. <br /><br />I gather that he is in chronic pain, and that his depression is not well-managed with medication. She, apparently, hasn't a clue what living that way is like, because she seems to imply that it's something he could change if only he tried harder. (She is, for example, complaining about what might be the sedating effects of pain meds as if he'd gotten lazy.) She would really benefit from a partners' support group, an online community, and/or some reading on his specific disability and on depression in general.<br /><br />As for the housework, they can hire a maid. He may qualify for a Home Service Aide from the county, or via his health insurance policy. Or, again, they can get creative: He may not be able to do his 50% but there may be some things he can do, and they should try to figure those out.<br /><br />She might benefit from some counseling not only to make this momentous decision but to examine some things about herself: Is it realistic to expect "joy" in a long-term relationship? Does she have the perseverence, loyalty, and commitment necessary to a marriage? (No, this couple isn't, but at 24 they sure could have been, and is this how she would react?) <br /><br />Disclosure: I was already disabled when my husband and I met. After nearly 30 years together, he was diagnosed with cancer and is currently temporarily disabled by the treatments. So I've been on both sides of this situation!<br /><br />"Dealing with a chronic is miserable"? I was sure that was a typo, and was supposed to be a sympathetic statement like, "Dealing with a chronic illness is miserable." I am not "a chronic", and neither is my husband or this boyfriend fella. And don't these two women think <i>he's</i> miserable? <i>He</i> doesn't have a sex life or a social life any more either. He knows he can't pull his own weight in the relationship any more: Don't they think <i>he</i> feels frustration and shame and rage? <br /><br />I understand that she thinks she's too young to go without sex and other kinds of fun, but she's looking at using an escape hatch that is not available to him. My personal, completely unprofessional, opinion is that she needs to pull on her big-girl pants.Virginia S. Wood, Psy.D., Instructorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04482719649602902058noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3364669902775880430.post-13026565327008910712009-08-06T12:42:17.205-07:002009-08-06T12:42:17.205-07:00Aviva - you wrote one of the true-est thing -- not...Aviva - you wrote one of the true-est thing -- not one of us chose to get sick. And the illness becomes part of our relationships and part of our family. <br /><br />And hopefully we find ways to be gentle to ourselves and our partners. And of course sometimes thee is resentment, anger, misery. But there's also intimacy, honesty, and love.Barbara K.http://www.insicknessinhealth.blogspot.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3364669902775880430.post-10657729733404618372009-08-06T12:32:04.673-07:002009-08-06T12:32:04.673-07:00"Dealing with a chronic is miserable"?! ..."Dealing with a chronic is miserable"?! OMG. The whole thing just made me cringe, but that line pissed me off. <br /><br />Yes, in some ways I feel that the chronically ill partner is better off on his own rather than with someone so resentful. But I'm grateful every day that my husband hasn't (yet) given up on me despite my debilitating chronic illness. It's hard on him. It's hard on both of us, and our young daughter. But it's not like I chose to get sick. And it's not like this guy did either.Avivahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16411667763810131618noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3364669902775880430.post-53734318142824353542009-08-06T11:33:45.284-07:002009-08-06T11:33:45.284-07:00Cranky - I'm glad for you that you found your ...Cranky - I'm glad for you that you found your way to live with chronic illness in your relationship. And I appreciate your insight that something more is probably going on in their relationship. There usually is.Barbara K.http://www.insicknessinhealth.blogspot.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3364669902775880430.post-4269380262504362662009-08-06T11:28:43.027-07:002009-08-06T11:28:43.027-07:00slizabeta - thank you for your articulate and powe...slizabeta - thank you for your articulate and powerful response. My partner and I have both become bigger people through living with my condition. I wish it had happened another way, but this is our path.Barbara K.http://www.insicknessinhealth.blogspot.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3364669902775880430.post-76659256021736830692009-08-06T11:26:39.602-07:002009-08-06T11:26:39.602-07:00When I saw the title of this post, my knee jerk re...When I saw the title of this post, my knee jerk reaction was "how could an advice columnist counsel such a horrible thing?" But, then I read the letter from the person seeking advice. I don't think the chronic illness is the total issue here. The boyfriend is well enough to work (she notes their jobs take so much of their time). So, it appears that his reaction to his illness is prompting much of the issue -- not contributing in equal measure to the household's upkeep, not participating socially with others and such. It'll be hard for her, but I agree with the advice. She should leave now.<br /><br />BTW - I am a well spouse who stuck around. My partner/wife was diagnosed with MS about 8 years into our now 28 year long relationship. I'm glad I did.Crankyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07995365444853477833noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3364669902775880430.post-21832661361586616602009-08-06T10:05:22.696-07:002009-08-06T10:05:22.696-07:00"Dealing with a chronic is miserable". T..."Dealing with a chronic is miserable". This line leaves me colder than cold. As a "chronic" in my 20s who has come through illness in a relationship that is stronger for it, I find this view stunningly devoid of compassion or imagination. This is not to say that the relationship in question should continue, necessarily, but this statement makes it sound as if all relationships involving illness are doomed to failure. I hope that before this young woman makes her decision, she reaches out for support from other couples who have come out the other side... if only to gain a more comprehensive view of what she and her partner have been facing. My partner and I have faced debilitating chronic illness for four years, and although plenty of the experience can be described as "miserable", a lot more can be described as "challenging" "enlightening" and "strengthening".slizabetahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08584807345827312389noreply@blogger.com