What Happens When the Caretaking Partner Gets Sick?

She is in her late fifties. A financial planning executive with a successful bi-coastal business that requires frequent flying and rushed meals. While not athletic, she has always been active. In that out-of-nowhere way that illness sometimes hits, she came down with a systemic infection that flattened her and almost literally took her breath away. Sitting exhausted her, and any activity left her panting for air. She has been treated for the past six months with a combination of antibiotics, steroids, and rest. She is not who she was, and is still discovering who she can be.

Her husband has been a loving and attentive caretaker. He took charge of their interactions with the world - from grocery shopping to medical specialist hunting. When she was too exhausted to shower, he bathed her. He went to every doctor visit with her and remembered the information she was too distracted to hold onto. Her job was to rest and recover. He took care of everything else.

Then, he was clipped by a car while riding his bicycle. His ankle was broken. Now he is in pain, and his mobility is severely limited. And he feels rotten - for himself and for the ways in which he can no longer help her.

They are trying their best to be kind and loving to each other; that has always been their way. But pain and exhaustion take a toll on the best intentions.

They have a community of friends who are pitching in to help. And they have an excellent collection of take-out menus from restaurants that deliver.

Underneath the practical and emotional strains, they are strong, and they are scared. A lot - like laundry and work projects - doesn't get done. They look to the future for signs that things will get better because the present is one big ball of uncertainty and hurt.

Have you ever been in the situation where the caretaking partner got sick or had an accident? How did that affect your living situation? And what helped you cope?

Dual Diagnosis Couples

From a recent New York Times article by Tara Parker-Pope: A Couple’s Knot, Tied Tighter by Dual Diagnoses.

"....On Valentine’s Day, he learned he had Stage 3 rectal cancer..."

"Her doctor had only recently ordered a mammogram after Ms. Bond had found a lump in her breast, but it had to be delayed for a few weeks so she could wean Sadie from breast-feeding. Because she had a history of cysts, she wasn’t worried. Yet within a week of the diagnosis she learned that the cancer was Stage 4, the most advanced: it had already spread to the liver, pelvic bones and spine...."

"Having a spouse with a life-threatening illness is hard enough. But what happens when both partners get sick?"

“Our lives are not tragic,” Ms. Bond said. “We’ve always felt blessed and happy. It’s hard to take that away even in the face of something scary and seemingly insurmountable.”

"Elisa and Nathan both had similar reactions to the dual diagnoses. They didn’t immediately worry about themselves, but both worried about how they could take care of each other."

"Even so, they both say that having cancer together gives each of them unique insight into the other’s needs and challenges, and has surprisingly allowed them to spend more time with each other."

“If you’re going to be sick in bed, at least the person who is next to you is a person you enjoy being with,” Elisa said. “It’s a small thing, but it helps.”

"The shared experience helps them focus on the importance of keeping life as normal as possible."

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I am continually amazed at people's ability to cope, endure, and even grow closer under the hardest of circumstances. I know having one partner in the couple be ill can be so difficult. The situation described in the article sounds overwhelming (and at times I bet it is), yet this couple copes.

Are you in a relationship in which both partners have a serious health condition? What is that like for you? How do you negotiate dealing with daily practical demands; and how do you deal with providing each other with support when you're both feeling the strains of illness?

What Happens When the Well Partner Gets Sick?

I recently heard about a couple situation in which one partner had been the designated ill person for many years. She has a degenerative illness which often requires complete rest and occasional hospitalization. She has already outlived doctors' predictions of her life span.

The couple had adjusted well to the needs this illness imposed on their relationship. They took advantage of her well times to socialize, go to movies, and go for long walks. The more symptomatic times meant the well partner did the chores, and they spent their together time reading or sleeping.

Unexpectedly the well partner was diagnosed with breast cancer. They believe they caught it in its early stages and have high hopes for treatment.

However, this new illness has dramatically shifted their equilibrium as a couple. They were used to one person's limitations dictating the flow of roles and responsibilities. This second illness, in the partner who was supposed to go on being the healthy one, has changed the rules.

How can they now prepare meals, shop for essentials, take their child to school, and generate an income while dealing with the double whammy of two illnesses, each bringing its own set of limitations. They are struggling to adjust.

How many of you are part of a dual-illness couple -- where both people have needs for caretaking? How do you manage this challenge?