Check Out This Week's Grand Rounds

It's hosted by USA Today. It will appear serially in four separate postings throughout the day today. The four topical areas are:

• Health tips
• True stories
• Myth busters & controversies
• Healthcare costs

Cohabitation or Marriage: Which is Better for Your Health and Happiness?

My guess is that this study did not look at couples living with serious illness in one or both partners. I wonder what the findings would have been if they had? I'm not suggesting that marriage weathers the stress of illness better than cohabitation, or vice versa. Nor am I suggesting that the legal ties of marriage mean couples tend to stay together during illness (nor am I suggesting that staying together is the right thing for all couples). It's just interesting, and not surprising, to me that the inevitable period of illness in a long-term relationship is not part of a study like this.

What are your thoughts? The study summary is below:

Study finds few well-being advantages to marriage over cohabitation

Benefits of marriage reduce over time while cohabiting couples experience greater happiness and self esteem

A new study, published in the Journal of Marriage and Family reveals that married couples experience few advantages for psychological well-being, health, or social ties compared to unmarried couples who live together. While both marriage and cohabitation provide benefits over being single, these reduce over time following a honeymoon period.

"Marriage has long been an important social institution, but in recent decades western societies have experienced increases in cohabitation, before or instead of marriage, and increases in children born outside of marriage," said Dr Kelly Musick, Associate Professor of policy analysis and management at Cornell University's College of Human Ecology. "These changes have blurred the boundaries of marriage, leading to questions about what difference marriage makes in comparison to alternatives."

Previous research has sought to prove a link between marriage and well-being, but many studies compared marriage to being single, or compared marriages and cohabitations at a single point in time.

This study compares marriage to cohabitation while using a fixed-effects approach that focuses on what changes when single men and women move into marriage or cohabitation and the extent to which any effects of marriage and cohabitation persist over time.

Dr Musick drew a study sample from the National Survey of Families and Households (NSFH) of 2,737 single men and women, 896 of whom married or moved in with a partner over the course of 6 years. The study focused on key areas of well-being, considering questions on happiness, levels of depression, health, and social ties.

The results showed a spike in well-being immediately following both marriage and cohabitation as couples experienced a honeymoon period with higher levels of happiness and fewer depressive symptoms compared to singles. However, these advantages were short lived.

Marriage and cohabitation both resulted in less contact with parents and friends compared to remaining single – and these effects appeared to persist over time.

"We found that differences between marriage and cohabitation tend to be small and dissipate after a honeymoon period. Also while married couples experienced health gains – likely linked to the formal benefits of marriage such as shared healthcare plans – cohabiting couples experienced greater gains in happiness and self-esteem. For some, cohabitation may come with fewer unwanted obligations than marriage and allow for more flexibility, autonomy, and personal growth" said Musick.

"Compared to most industrial countries America continues to value marriage above other family forms," concluded Musick. "However our research shows that marriage is by no means unique in promoting well-being and that other forms of romantic relationships can provide many of the same benefits."

Does Lisa Swayze (wife of actor Patrick Swayze) Have Super Powers?

Lisa Niemi Swayze has written a book about her experiences loving and losing her husband Patrick Swayze after a 21 month battle with pancreatic cancer. The book is titled: Worth Fighting For.

One review I read said:

"...The memoir reveals just how much one woman can change, when forced to confront the horrors of illness and the inevitability of those final moments. We witness the transformation of Lisa from a terrified creature who begs her just-diagnosed husband ‘Please don’t make me do this’, to the superwoman who refuses to give in, confronts every grim aspect of his nursing care and brings him home to die..."

They were two exceptional and normal people, as we all are, who loved each other and did the best they could. I confess I find it unfair to Lisa, and to the rest of us, to characterize her as a "superwoman." This makes it seem that her efforts came from some special source of rare super power she has access to, as opposed to the power that naturally derives from love and empathy - and that she is in a different class of being than the rest of us who live in the realm of illness with our partner.

What do you think?

One Illness; Two Victims

This comment just came in on an older post. I think it is well worth re-posting:

Married 36 years and the last 7 years my husband has been a paraplegic due to a mass on his spinal cord. There are TWO victims here. Him and I, and I feel like I am paralyzed right in the middle of my life. I wish I were the one dying or dead. I was not happily married to him before his surgery and I was waiting for the kids to at least be in college before I left the marriage. Now I am stuck taking care of a man who hit me and verbally abused me up until the day he got sick. Now I do it to myself because I am too much of a wimp to leave him. Thank you for letting me say this out loud, my mom died 6 years ago and I have no one to hear my pain.

I have found readers of this blog to be very sensitive to the complexities of living with illness as part of your relationship. Solutions can be elusive. Problems are complicated and simple advice that usually has the word "just" in it (like - "why don't you just leave him" or "why don't you just eat less and get some exercise) often isn't substantive enough to be of real help.

What thinking can you offer the writer of the comment above? What have you learned from your experiences as ill partner or well, caretaking partner that you can share with this author?

May this holiday season and New Year bring you what you most desire

I'm a sucker for these interspecies relationship clips. Here's one that shows not only can love cross boundaries, but so can kindness.

If Your Partner Had Become Sick While You Were Dating, Would You Have Committed to the Relationship?

For many of us, first came the relationship and then came the illness or serious accident.

We met, fell in love, committed or got married, and then illness became the uninvited third member of the relationship. By the time illness entered, we had joined bank accounts, mixed laundry, combined dish sets, and co-mingled friends and dreams. There was a relatively solid platform for the relationship, and illness landed on that platform. When you're still dating, you might be in love, but the platform isn't that solid yet.

If your sweetie had become ill with a serious condition (perhaps the same one he or she has now) while you were still dating, would you have committed to the relationship?

The sad-sweetness of holidays

My friend lost his wife eight months ago to leukemia. One month ago his grand-daughter was born. Her middle name is his wife's first name. This was his first Thanksgiving without his life partner in over 35 years. No one mentioned her name or spoke about Thanksgivings past - perhaps for fear of upsetting him. He did not speak of her either - perhaps for fear of darkening the day.

I think the not speaking made the day more lonely for all of them. Since they could not talk about the sadness of her absence, they couldn't reach the sweetness her presence brought to the table in years passed.

I don't know about you, but I think it's far better to speak and hold the sorrow than to sit alone together in silence.