What if Your Partner is a Jerk? (part 3 of 3)

In a previous post I described levels of "jerkiness" in the well partner -- from unaware to indifferent to downright mean. Of course, the ill partner can act like a jerk too, but that's a topic for another post.

The first suggestion I offered (in part 1) for dealing with a well partner who is acting like a jerk is to try empathic communication. The second suggestion (in part 2) was to turn away from your partner's darkness towards the sources of light and support in your life. In this post I will offer the third suggestion -- couples therapy.

When your interactions with your partner are filled with more acrimony than sweetness, when even seemingly benign requests - like please take out the garbage or can you drive the kids to school this morning -- feel like they carry implied criticisms, when you say more to your pillow than to your partner -- it is time to consider couples therapy.

When silence stretches for days and is used as punishment, when you lose interest in doing the activities that used to be mutually enjoyable, when you exhaust your precious energy on pleading, cajoling, and berating, when there's been an affair -- it is time for couples therapy.

Why am I suggesting couples rather than individual therapy? Because if there is hope that the relationship can be renovated, it lies in working together, not apart. The problems manifest in the couple relationship, and it will take the will and insight of both partners to resolve them. Individual treatment may be a useful accompaniment to couples work at some point, but not at the start.

What happens in couples therapy? Both partners get to tell their stories, uninterrupted. But perhaps, more importantly, both partners learn to listen to each other. And with guidance, they learn how to communicate the often painful truths in ways that the other partner can hear. So instead of firing random shots about peripheral matters because of deeply held anger -- anger that's really about the illness, about unfairness, about the past -- partners learn how to address feelings and issues directly. They learn how to love and how to fight.

One of the greatest gifts Richard and I received from couples therapy we did decades ago was to learn how to "speak the unspeakable," to always talk with honesty and as much empathy as we can muster about our disappointments and heartaches with each other. We learned that it was the unspoken that caused damage, not the spoken.

How do you find a couple's therapist? Ask people you know for recommendations. Ask friends, doctors, nurses, physical therapists, clergy. Don't rely on advertisements or lists of approved providers. Dig deeper. The most important factor is that the therapist has indeed worked with lots of couples. Interview the therapist over the phone. Ask questions like -

• how long have you been in practice?
• how many couples have you worked with?
• have you ever worked with couples and illness?
• how would you describe your approach or style with couples?
• how much do you charge?
• what insurance do you take?
• do you have any questions for me?
  

As you talk to the therapist, pay attention to your own inner intuition and feelings. If you get a sense that the person is "right" for you and your partner, set up an appointment for an initial meeting.

Couple's therapy may or may not help your situation. There's no guarantee. But if you both still want to try to make your relationship better, it's worth a shot.

Anorexia and Couples

It always surprises me when clinicians and researchers suddenly decide that serious illness also affects the well partner and that the couple unit is an important healing resource. Here is a story about anorexia and couples.

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Credit: AP Online

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From MYNC.com
UNC Seeking Participants for Anorexia Nervosa Couples Therapy Trial

Feb. 12 7:29 am

CHAPEL HILL, N.C. -

The eating disorder anorexia nervosa has a profound effect not only on the person with the disorder, but also on their close relationships. Spouses or partners of people with anorexia typically have not been included in treatment. This leaves partners in the dark about what is happening and robs the person with anorexia nervosa of one of their greatest potential allies in recovery - the support of a loved one.

Now the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill School of Medicine's Eating Disorders Program is seeking adults with anorexia to participate in a 20-week comprehensive treatment course that includes couples therapy. Developed by the UNC School of Medicine Eating Disorders Program and funded by the National Institute of Mental Health, Uniting Couples (in the treatment of) Anorexia Nervosa, or UCAN, is the first and only NIH-funded trial of treatment for anorexia that emphasizes couple therapy.

Anorexia is stereotypically thought of as a disease of adolescent girls, but at any given time about half of the patients receiving treatment in the UNC Eating Disorders Program are adults, said Cynthia M. Bulik, Ph.D., director of the program and co-director of the trial. Partners of adults with the disorder want desperately to help but have no idea how and are often afraid of saying the wrong thing. "Anorexia nervosa is a complex disorder even for professionals to treat, so it's completely understandable that partners are unclear about their role and how best to help," said Bulik.

"In the past, families were often excluded from the treatment of adolescents. It's only within the last five to 10 years that we have realized we need to incorporate the family as a major part of treatment for adolescents," Bulik noted. "The same principles hold for adults.

The partner can be a powerful force in the recovery process if we teach the couple how to address the eating disorder together as a team."

Margie Hodgin and her husband Tom, of Greensboro, N.C., enrolled in the trial and completed the couples therapy. "The communication skills and problem solving we learned were great, because one of our biggest problems was that he didn't understand what was going on, and I didn't understand why he didn't understand," Hodgin said.

Hodgin developed anorexia at age 40, during what she said was a chaotic time in her life. She lost some weight because of a stomach illness and liked what she saw, then started dieting to keep the pounds off. When she got below her goal weight "It was on from there," she said. She lost about 40 pounds, more than was healthy.

A Florida residential treatment program helped her a lot, Hodgin said, but her husband felt out of the loop. "He always felt like I wasn't telling him everything, or that I wasn't getting better fast enough,"

She says. "Couples therapy has just given us both a voice and an ability to become better partners and to know how we can help each other. It has taken away the secrecy of everything."