Well Spouse Caregivers: Do You Ever Say, "Enough!"

The piece below is one reader's comments to my blog post about back pain. I post it here because I think she not only raises a crucial question about the caregiver's responsibility, but she does so with great awareness, openness, and articulateness. And she is asking for support and advice. So please, if this piece speaks to you, help her out by sharing your experiences and ideas. (btw - she gave me permission to repost her comments here)


------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My husband and I have been married 18 years. He was in a car accident 12 years ago that left him with chronic back pain. After several surgeries he was left with a failed fusion. We seemed to muddle through our new life ok for a while. But as of late I see him diminishing so much mentally.

We have two children that he simply does not have the "energy to parent" and my emotional needs were put on the back burner many years ago. I have voiced all of this to him repeatedly over the last three years but nothing seems to have the status that his pain has in his life.

I am 38 and he has basically turned our bedroom into the extent of his accessible world. Recently he went past my limit and I had to ask him to leave. He has been living at another house for over a month. I just feel so empty of patience for him. I feel so uncomfortable about making him get out of his comfort zone. But at what point do you just give up when your partner can not or will not see past their own nose?

He is seeing a counselor and is on antidepressants since he left. He has always suffered from some level of depression but of course it is very severe at this time. He is upset with me that I am calling all the shots.

However when someone withdraws form life like he has, they force you into that position. You become the only one that is able to fill the car up with gas or make appointments or pay bills. Every aspect of life outside the house becomes your area.

I am wondering if between the medication, depression and pain (his counselor tells me that over time chronic pain patients brains can actually atrophy?) that he is just not capable of any husband responsibilities. And if that is the case what do you do with a man that is mobile but completely stagnant?

Is there anyone else out there on my side of the situation that has been married a long while still loves their spouse but is past lonely, past hurt, past frustrated? How are you dealing with it?

A Story About Chronic Back Pain and a Relationship Gone Sour: Kate and Frank

This is a true story. All identifying information has been changed to protect confidentiality.

Chronic, long term illness can make couples turn nasty. Almost everyone can rally for the occasional acute situation – a hernia, a broken leg, appendicitis, a cancer diagnosis. But when the acute doesn’t resolve, when it takes hold with its vampire teeth and begins to draw away the life energy, the couple relationship can slowly begin to toxify, and even die.

Frank and Kate settled for each other. Each of them had gone for several hot-blooded rides on the relationship roller coaster where they started with the thrill of infatuation and landed at the finish line broken-hearted. With each ride they took, they became a little bit more panicky and a little bit more cynical. Separately they each decided that any relationship that began with chemistry was destined to crash. The pledged secretly to forswear infatuation and seek stability.

When they began dating there were no sparks, no buzz, but there was compatibility. They preferred to read biographies rather than novels. They didn’t like spicy food. They cross-country skied in the winter and rode bicycles in the spring. They rarely argued about personal matters. The only tension that disrupted their calm surface was that they managed a retail business together and Frank started becoming more dependent on Kate for maintaining the office (which she did not enjoy) while he handled sales (which he did enjoy, and was good at).

Five years and two children into their marriage, Frank started developing back pain. He threw himself into the hands of the medical system. Two surgeries and hundreds of pain pills later, Frank was still in chronic pain and hooked on an array of medications that made him drowsy and impaired his memory. For a while Kate commiserated and compensated. She took over all the household responsibilities in addition to managing more of the business. And she did this while trying to bolster Frank’s increasingly depressed ego.

Frank was indeed in pain, and impaired. He asked Kate to prepare special meals for him and to be the one to chauffeur the kids to gymnastics and soccer. Kate began to think that he was exploiting the “privilege” his role as patient offered him. She continued to maintain him, but her early compassion slowly turned to ice cold resentment. Frank reflexively responded to her growing distance by increasing his neediness. He developed headaches, lost track of customer calls, slept until noon, and took frequent naps. Kate felt trapped because they were locked into their business as their only source of income. She became harsher, and he became more helpless. The relationship had turned nasty.

There is no happy ending to report. Kate and Frank continue in this toxic loop that is their relationship. Kate finds distraction and sympathy with her women friends, and Frank finds the same with his army of doctors. While they each might have some subterranean motives for remaining in this tangle that has become their relationship, neither one has any interest in disentangling and repairing. They carry on.

Do you know a couple who found illness too heavy a load for their relationship to bear? Or who found that illness put too much pressure on already frayed relationship seams?