MBTI & Illness: Judgers and Perceivers

In my previous articles about MBTI, a widely used personality profile instrument, I wrote about the four dimensions of personality preferences MBTI measures and about one dimension in particular - Thinkers and Feelers.

In this post, I write about another dimension of personality preference- the dimension that is about one's basic orientation to the world. Within this dimension people tend to have a preference for either Judging or Perceiving.

Judging does not mean being judgmental. Rather it means that one prefers to move towards organization and closure -- to consider a defined set of options, make a clear choice, and head toward action. A Perceiving preference means that one likes to remain flexible, adaptable, and to keep options open and add choices to the mix.

Neither preference is better. And we all have both Judging and Perceiving capabilities and can be both flexible and decisive. But, we tend to have a natural affinity for one or the other.

I have a strong preference for Judging. Richard has a strong preference for Perceiving.

If I am hungry, I like to decide what food I want, pick a restaurant, and get in the car. Richard likes to play what he calls "the restaurant game." He likes to keep throwing out cuisine and restaurant choices up until the moment we arrive at the door of the restaurant we had originally agreed we would go to. For him, this is creative. For me, this is madness.

How does this Judging-Perceiving difference play out in terms of illness?

My pain condition was (and is) a diagnostic mystery. This meant that I saw dozens of specialists in different disciplines and had dozens and dozens of tests. The ongoingness of this experience and the increasing number of options for diagnosis and treatment pushed me so far out of my comfort zone that I fell off the edge of reason and landed into a stinky puddle of blithering anxiety. I wanted the answer!

In the face of the unknown, Richard was reassured by the plenitude of options. His mantra became, "There's always someting more to try." Each successive doorway was a portal that could lead to something that might work to quiet my pain. Another thing to be tried was another reason for hope.

Understanding MBTI gave us tools and a language for harmonizing our differences. He wasn't a foolish dreamer; and I wasn't a narrow-minded dogmatist. We were just different. I'm a "J" and he's a "P."

Richard learned to temper his plasticity with some empathy for my frustrated drive for certainty. And I learned, when the known doors closed, to find some solace in his faith that something else, some healer or medication waiting just around the next corner, might work.

MBTI: Personality Differences in Couples

The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) assessment is a psychometric questionnaire designed to measure psychological preferences in how people perceive the world and make decisions.

There are four dimensions of measurement. We each have qualities of all dimensions. But just as some of us have a dominant right or left hand, even though we use both hands all the time; we tend to have preferences for certain MBTI types.

THE FOUR MBTI DIMENSIONS

Extroverting <---> Introverting
Which has to do with where you get your energy. Extroverts recharge when they're around people and they tend to think out loud. Introverts need alone time to recharge and they tend to process internally before speaking.

Intuiting <---> Sensing
Which has to do with how you take in information. Intuitive look for the big picture and patterns (the forest). Sensors look for the details (the trees).

Thinking <---> Feeling
Which has to do with how you make decisions. Thinkers use data to analyze situations. Feelers look to their intuitive gut responses.

Judging <---> Perceiving
Which has to do with your basic orientation to the world. Judgers like to narrow options, make the choice, act on it, and move on. Perceivers like to keep options open and add more possibilities.

I have heard it said that when couples have different preferences on more than two dimensions, relationships are more of a struggle. Richard, my partner, and I differ on two dimensions, and they bite us all the time. I have preferences for Feeling and Judging. He has preferences for Thinking and Perceiving.

How does this play out?

Feeling - Thinking Scenario

B. (Feeler): Today is not a good day. I'm having some pain.
R. (Thinker): Why not try a warm bath, or doing some yoga stretches. That often helps. Or we could watch reruns of the Twilight Zone. That might distract you.

When all I (the Feeler) really want to hear him say is:
"Oh sweetie. I'm so sorry you're hurting. I'm by your side."

Judging - Perceiving Scenario

B. (Judging): I don't know what to do? Should I try myo-fascial physical therapy or acupuncture or different meds? I can't stand this confusion. I want to find the one thing that will work!"

R. (Perceiving): You can try them all! And if something doesn't work once, you can try it again later. It might help then. The good news is that there is always something more to try that might help.

B. (Judging): Groan...I just want to figure out what will work!

We are different. I recently wrote a post about how Richard's Thinking preference and my Feeling preference trip us up. I am Deanna Troi to his Mr. Data (for the Trekkies among you).

When you think about your own relationships in an MBTI context - what do you notice about how the differences between you and your partner show up?

Are you both Extroverts, or is one an Introvert? Do you both like to dive into the details (Sensing) or does that make you crazy because all you want is the big picture (Intuiting)? Is one of you a Thinker and the other a Feeler, like Richard and me? Is one of you a Judger who likes to make a choice and move on, while the other, the Perceiver, likes to add more possibilities into the mix and postpone making a final decision (again, like Richard and me)?

And for those of you who seem to be similar to your partner across all four dimensions -- what is that like? I can only imagine.


more to come about MBTI and couples and illness

MBTI: Thinkers and Feelers

The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) assessment is a psychometric questionnaire designed to measure psychological preferences in how people perceive the world and make decisions.

But it's so much more than that. It's a relationship emancipator. It's the knife that slices the Gordian knot that keeps partners entwined in endless, repeating patterns of point and counterpoint, argument and escalation of argument. It can take a world of communication trouble, and if you let it, pare it down to its benign and manageable essence.

What do I mean? Here's a light example.

One of the dimensions the MBTI assesses is the way people make decisions. In general, people either have a preference for what MBTI calls Thinking or Feeling. Thinkers like facts, practicalities, data, and analysis. They decide based on what is logical. Feelers like intuition, gut sense, fairness, and harmony. They decide based on what feels right.

I was having a very good, pain-free day and Richard and I decided to do one of the things we love best - go for a hike. The weather was California perfect. One part of the trail took us through a large redwood forest. For miles, we were encircled by these ancient mother trees. One tree in particular had had its lower trunk hollowed out by fire. What remained was the outer trunk and a cavity that was about 4 feet wide and 8 feet high. The space could easily fit three adults.

I entered into this sanctuary and stood silently for a few minutes, feeling part of something primordial and dignified. When I emerged I said to Richard, "Well that was a little bit of the sacred."

Richard entered in to the chamber, turned around a few times, came back out into the sunlight and said, "That place would be a good shelter from the rain if you needed one."

I am a Feeler. Richard is a Thinker.

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Before we had this language, it was easy for me to experience his responses to my needs as insensitive. It was easy for him to just not understand what I was asking for and to try harder to parse the situation rationally.

"I'm so miserable," I would moan. "I hate taking pills. And I hate having pain if I don't take them."

"What if you tried cutting back on one of the pills and see what happens," he would offer.

"You just don't understand. I hate all this!" I would moan with a little more volume.

"Well," he would suggest a bit more tentatively not sure of what he wasn't understanding, "what if you sliced one pill in half and tried tapering in smaller increments."

You can see where this conversation would be headed.

What MBTI gives us is a decryption key for this kind of interaction. I can now say to Richard, "You're doing that T-thing. I'd like you to try to be more of an F right now."

He can then filter that through his rational mind and say,"Ahh. You need me to say something like, 'Oh sweetie, I know this is so hard for you. You hate everything about having a pain condition. How can I help?'"

I say in a very succinct, practical, data laden way "Yup. That's what I'm looking for." (we Feelers can be logical when we need to).

He searches inside to find his empathy (Thinkers have feelings - it's just not what they lead with). He repeats what he just practiced, but lets it float on that empathy. "'Oh sweetie, I know this is so hard for you. You hate everything about having a pain condition. How can I help?"

It works. I feel soothed. I feel like we are now both inside the redwood together, sheltering each other.


(more to come on this topic...............)