Sharing the Worry

One habit Richard and I got into when I was at my worst was to share the worry. Some days I was so laden with worry -- What if I can't get an appointment with the one specialist who can cure me? What if I have to wait three months to see her? What if she winds up letting me down too? What if the new meds undo whatever slim good the old meds were providing? What if I'm in too much pain to make it to my niece's graduation celebration next year? What if... what if... what if...???

A wise person once said to me, "Don't worry twice." Don't pre-worry about a set of circumstances that live in the future. Good advice....but...

Sometimes worrying was the most energetic I could be. Worrying kept me tethered to the possibility of some other reality, one in which I didn't suffer, in which I didn't have to watch Richard flail, helpless to make me better.

Sometimes worrying was the only lifeline I could muster. You know what I mean?

But sometime worrying became too encompassing, too heavy. It flattened me.

Those were the times when Richard would step in and ask me if he could carry some of my worry load. "What can you let go of, even for an hour?" he would ask. There was always something. I pretended to put it on the table, and he pretended to pick it up. Sometimes, you are what you pretend to be, and this little scenario would often make me feel a bit lighter. On more enlightened days, I would realize that if I could let go of one worry, why not two, five, all of them. As long as Richard was safeguarding them for me and could return them upon request, I could let them go.

What do you do with your worries - as ill or as well partner? Do you protect your partner from them? Do you share them? Do they overwhelm you quietly? Do you release them?

How Much Should the Well, Caretaking Partner Share with the Ill Partner?

Here's a question that some comments caused me to ponder:

How much should the well, caretaking partner share with the ill partner?

The ill partner is suffering from body pain, or fevers, or headaches, or cancer, or from the side effects of treatments. He or she has had to give up full engagement with the world and can no longer do his/her old job or hop into a car to visit friends or go to the movies. Spontaneity has been derailed by the medication regimen. Freedom has been shrunk to fit within the boundaries set by the illness. And, as if this weren't enough, the ill partner is, understandably, depressed over his/her symptoms and limitations.

The well partner has assumed more and more of the couple's dealings with the outside world. He/she does the household chores, negotiates with the insurance company, oversees the kids, tries to stay on top of bills & budgets, and goes to work. And, as if this weren't enough, he/she also takes care of the ill partner. He/she helps the ill partner with the daily living activities the ill partner can no longer perform solo. This can include everything from monitoring medication to waking up 4 times a night to help the ill partner get to the commode.

The well partner is physically exhausted and emotionally bone dry. He/she is so busy every moment of the day that he/she can't stop to spare a tear for his/her own sorrow and worry. In those limited moments when there is a brief respite from the storm, he/she starts to feel choked by stress. It is a physical sensation -- as if all the air has been pulled from his/her lungs.

The well partner doesn't know how he/she can go on another minute and at the same time, he/she knows he/she will find the strength somewhere, some how, to continue. He/she doesn't talk to the ill partner about his/her depletion and anxiety because he/she is afraid the ill partner can't bear it -- that it would push the ill partner over some ill-defined edge into full bore breakdown.

This scenario may fit yours, or it may not. Whatever your circumstances are, I'd like to know:

If you are the well, caretaking partner, how much do you share with your ill partner about your situation? What are your choices based on?

If you are the ill partner, how much do you want to be protected from your well partner's state, and how much would you want him/her to share with you? What are your wishes based on?

Strife at Home Can Make You Sick

From an article on Little About
Strife at Home Can Make You Sick

Disagreements between feuding spouses that continue without satisfying resolution could take a significant toll on one’s health, researchers at Ohio State University conclude. Among those who argued with ineffective conflict management skills, immune systems can be weakened and stress hormones increased.

In two trials involving 120 couples, psychologists found that partners involved in relationship disputes were at risk for sickness. The findings were similar across the marriage spectrum of participants, whether a couple was newly married or wed for many years.

One study focused on newlyweds, the other on husbands and wives married an average of 42 years. Clinicians involved with the study conclude that, with proper conflict resolution, marriage partners can enjoy less stress through real listening and honest sharing of feelings and attitudes. The men studied were more likely to withdraw from or tune out during arguments, while the women were more likely to be distressed about the argument well after a heated dispute.

With the study, mental health practitioners who try to save marriages–counselors, social workers, psychiatrists, psychologists, clergy–now have the science to prove that arguments between couples can lead to battles inside the body. Long term health effects are not yet known.

Ohio State researchers studied many couples, both newlyweds and couples who have been married for decades. They measured the stress hormones in their blood. Couples were brought in for joint counselling sessions on current disputes. Blood was analyzed intermittently.

The presence of the hormones are found to be linked not to the disagreements themselves, but to the way couples fight and resolve (or don’t resolve) conflicts. “They all had a problem that they were talking about, but those who talked about it in a hostile and negative way are the ones who had the negative immune effects,” reports Dr. George Solomon, MD, professor of psychiatry at University of California Los Angeles.

Solomon studies the way in which mind and the immune system interact. He says it’s important for couples to learn how to deal with the conflicts and stress that are inevitable in any committed relationship. In the study of the older couples, abrasive arguments were tied to a weakening of certain aspects of immune response.

Dr. Janice Kiecolt-Glaser, PhD of OSU’s new Institute for Behavioral Medicine Research who was involved in both studies, says that the findings from those headed toward golden anniversaries were more unexpected than the findings from the newlyweds. “You might expect that arguments would have less impact on older couples because they’ve gone through these disagreements many times before and have learned to deal with them,” says Kiecolt-Glaser. “But that’s not the case.”

Besides raised stress hormone levels, the older couples with weaker immune measures also described their usual marital disagreements as more negative.

In the study of newlyweds, researchers concluded that one key to lowering the stress during a couple’s arguments is to concentrate on the issues at hand and reduce the amount of negative responses that result. The style of the fighting is most important. “The sarcasm, name-calling and back-biting are the problems,” says Dr. Ronald Glaser, PhD, another researcher involved in the OSU study.

Of particular interest was the continued elevated stress hormone levels of the women having husbands who withdrew from the arguments. “We’re probably seeing the results of the women thinking about and reliving the argument throughout the day,” Kiecolt-Glaser says.

According to the researchers, while changes in immune response were seen in both newlywed and older couples, the effects may have greater consequences in older people as their immune systems are already waning. “Older adults have greater rates of illness and death due to infectious diseases compared to younger people,” Kiecolt-Glaser says. “Additional stress, such as from marital arguments, may put them at greater risk.”