The sad-sweetness of holidays

My friend lost his wife eight months ago to leukemia. One month ago his grand-daughter was born. Her middle name is his wife's first name. This was his first Thanksgiving without his life partner in over 35 years. No one mentioned her name or spoke about Thanksgivings past - perhaps for fear of upsetting him. He did not speak of her either - perhaps for fear of darkening the day.

I think the not speaking made the day more lonely for all of them. Since they could not talk about the sadness of her absence, they couldn't reach the sweetness her presence brought to the table in years passed.

I don't know about you, but I think it's far better to speak and hold the sorrow than to sit alone together in silence.

Not a Holiday Stress Article

I really don't like articles about dealing with holiday stress. You know them. The lists of: Top 10 Things You Can Do to Get Through the Holidays without Stress; Banish Holiday Stress Forever; and even the hyperbolically punctuated Holiday Stress!!!!!

Some advisers recommend the "be kind to yourself" approach. You know -- the 3M's: massage, meditation, and mood elevators (of the non-pharmaceutical kind, like music and pleasant aromas). A lot of the advice has to do with avoiding family confrontations while consuming excessive amounts of alcohol and sugar,which will not only create irreparable breaches, but leave you feeling like a lonely, bloated, self-loathing toad. Not bad advice -- but family breaches and that toad-like feeling can creep in no matter how hard you try. Holidays can be lightening rods for attracting old wounds, losses, grievances, and shame. And no "10 Tips" can prevent some debacles from happening.

Now, I acknowledge that there are probably many people who can get through the holidays without having to watch endless episodes of South Park or The Twilight Zone. There are probably many for whom the holidays are truly joyous and a time of family, friend, and neighbor good will. There are many principled people who get happiness from serving others during the holidays. I applaud all of you.

This year I really stepped into it. Not only do we have an endless stream of high calorie social engagements, but we are starting on some long overdue (by 30 years) home renovation. We are in the purging stage -- trying to recycle almost all our possessions: furniture, kitchenware, and all manner of assorted items that just fall into the stuff category.

The scenario is complicated by the fact that I'm a tosser and Richard is a keeper. I'm ready to heave into a dumpster unopened boxes that have been taking up prime basement real estate for decades. Richard needs to go through each box and resort items that either have sentimental value or some possible future use. I don't blame him....but it does make me a little crazy (and probably vice versa).

This year, I should have read a few of those holiday stress advice articles. I had a bit of a pain relapse; and I am annoyed with myself for not taking preventative measure (the 3 Ms) and for not being hardy enough to resist the firing up of those beastly pain neurons. So there's that nasty self-censuring voice working hard to get my attention, in competition with my attempts to get ahead of the pain curve before it really accelerates.

Richard can't go against his nature and purge faster. Nor can I totally extricate myself from holiday activities. But what Richard (my sweetie) does is remind me that this pain blip is not forever, and that it will never be as bad as it was before we had tools to control it. And he empathizes. He gives me love and compassion and rooibos tea.

That's the holiday spirit I want to receive and to give.

What are your holiday challenges and joys? And what does holiday spirit mean to you and your partner?

Thanksgiving Travel

If you're traveling over the Thanksgiving holiday period, I hope your experience is just like this:
(if you can't see the full screen, you can click on this link and view it on YouTube




Happy Thanksgiving and safe travels.

The Holidays, Already!

I don't know about you but I'm already feeling the holiday "dreads." Invitations, cholesterol masquerading as food, rivers of alcohol, late nights. I can feel my pain receptors begin to ignite just thinking about how to take care of myself over the next few months.

Other than the abandon and the gluttony, I also worry about letting others down if I have to bow out of an engagement I committed to because of pain. And I worry about letting myself down if I overdo things and risk doing what I know (but don't want to acknowledge) might cause a pain surge.

I do lean on Richard to be the voice of sound judgment. I ask him to provide the balance when I am strung out on the line between yearning to ignore risk and just indulge, and avoiding all social activity because I fear a relapse.

But I don't make it easy for him. When he is the voice of caution, I resist. I say, "It's the holidays, after all. Why can't I act like a normal person once a year?" When he is the voice of indulgence I shrink away and hide in a corner. "I can't possibly go out three nights this week. I'll crash."

So I hope maybe this holiday season I can find the balance between quarantine and hedonism.

What are your holiday challenges? How do you and your partner get through the holidays?

July Fourth

I remember the first July fourth after I started have chronic pain. Like every other day for that terrible year, I lay curled up in a bean bag chair in our attic bedroom trying every trick I knew to meditate myself into oblivion. In the period b.p. (before pain) July fourth meant a bar-b-cue on Mark's front deck with the best chicken wings and cold beer. Around 7:00pm we'd wander down to the river to stake our place for the fireworks show. a.p. (after pain), July fourth was just another damn holiday when I couldn't get in touch with my doctor, nurse, physician's assistant, acupuncturist, chiropractor, homeopath, or physical therapist.

It's been several years since I last lay in that bean bag. Today, Richard and I are going to a new bar-b-cue on a deck overlooking the bay where we'll eat shrimp, drink Merlot, and watch fireworks from a distance.

July fourth is now just another day to be with my sweetie and friends. It doesn't get much better.

Happy July 4th!