Unwanted Help

How do you deal with unwanted help?

The good intentions of friends and family in offering emotional and tactical help can sometimes be welcome, and can sometimes be just another burden to deal with when you or your sweetie are suffering from illness or pain.

When I was very ill, I had a friend who would call every day to ask how I was doing and then launch into her stories about pain, in which she generally featured as main character. It was wretched enough to have her use my suffering as a platform for her narratives. It was doubly wretched to be asked, every day - "How are you doing?" That question was just salt in the wound and served not to comfort but to remind me that I was not doing well at all, and that I had no idea when or if my pain condition would change.

I had another friend who called or emailed most every day and simply said, "I'm thinking of you." That was lovely. It felt like the sweet touch of a cool hand on my desperate brow. Not intruding. Not insisting I engage in any way. Just a brief loving contact that I knew could be extended should I need that.

Many people just don't know how to talk to someone who has a serious illness. Out of their own nervousness (and for some, out of their blind self-involvement), they ask too many questions, tell too many stories, offer to do too much. These offers, even if meant benevolently, become extra weight for the ill person to carry. When all your resilience is tied up in just holding your own self together, offers and questions can be the extra straws that break you down instead of fortifying you.

So how do you deal with family and friends who load you down with well-intention extra straws?

Firstly, be aware that this is happening. Don't just respond out of hospitality or habit, and then wind up entangled in a conversation you don't really want to have.

Secondly, know that your taking care of yourself takes precedence over another's hurt feelings. If you need to shield yourself from another's well-intentioned but unhelpful involvement, you must do so, or pay the price later in increased tiredness, pain, depletion.

Thirdly, communicate. People will inadvertently intrude. They don't know what is helpful and what is not. And what is helpful will change over time. Communicate - in person, by email, through a trusted third party -- and let friends and family know what your needs are. Do you want to be left alone? Do you want people to stay in touch, but not to expect any response from you? Do you want people to send you articles or other resources they have found about your condition? Do you want visitors to not drop by without advance notice? Do you want help with specific activities (e.g. drives to medical appointment, grocery shopping, child care)?

Fourthly, know that these efforts come from love. You can appreciate and express gratitude for the love, while setting limits on the involvement.

What stories and ideas do you have for letting your family and friends know what you want and don't want from them?