What do you do when your partner is no longer interested in or capable of sexual intimacy with you?
Illness takes many tolls, on both partners. One of them is too often sexual intimacy. Medications, pain, and exhaustion can not only turn a libido off, but it can also make intercourse painful for the ill partner. The well partner may be just too drained after a long day of caretaking, working, caring for the kids, and running the household to want anything more intimate than falling asleep side-by-side. And the shift illness produces in some partner relationship -- turning a bond of equals into one of caretaker - patient -- can make sex feel like a taboo.
For some couples, their sexual connection had always been a source of joy that filtered into the rest of the relationship, making it glow. For other couples, sex was routine and its effects remained in the bedroom. For others, sex was never a strong part of the connection.
Whatever your pre-illness sexual habits were, illness too often disturbs them. Intercourse may no longer be possible. Even touching can be problematic. Some couples whose sexual experiences were mainly physical, now find they actually have to talk about what feels good and what doesn't.
Through talking about sex, couples may find themselves entering surprisingly deeper levels of connection, and describing desires that before illness were invisible.
Some couples find ways of being intimate without intercourse. Some are able to stay connected without any form of physical intimacy. Some break apart. Some partners seek sex outside of the relationship, with or without the knowledge of their partner. (note: for the sake of safety and integrity, I would recommend that this be discussed between the partners).
I'm interested in hearing about your situation. Has your sexual relationship changed? How have you managed to deal with illness and physical intimacy?
8 comments:
I've been in a good marriage for 20 years. Since coming down with chronic fatigue a year ago I've had sex exactly three times with my husband. It isn't painful but I tire easily and can't move around after a couple of minutes. While we never had sex often when I was well (only a few times a month) we were both very active partners, both moving around a lot. Now I feel like I can't be an active participant but only lie there and I don't like it. Poor hubby who has always had a very healthy libido has stopped even trying to initiate sex.
At one point our relationship got so contentious due to the illness (not the sex) almost resulting in separation that I didn't want to sleep with him anyway. While we are back on track relationship wise I've been to ill to attempt sex this past month. I miss rolling around with him in bed and would love to be able to do this again. It is just one of the many losses brought on by this illness.
This question comes up in my chronic pain group occasionally; unfortunately we in the group are all women and the proctors are both men so discussions of this type don’t get too far. Unfortunate because as you so competently pointed out, the problems exist in some form for most all us patients.
I am lucky in that my husband is older than I and not as interested as he was when we were first married twenty-five years ago. It has been a wonderful way of accommodating my waning interest.
In case you missed it this was discussed over on Chronic Babe a few weeks ago.
http://www.chronicbabe.com/articles/917/
When a relationship goes downhill, the lack of sex become a lot less important than the reasons you stopped having it in the first place.
That's a topic I'd love to see addressed here. Couples are likelier to split up when one person is chronically ill. What are the differences between the ones that last and the ones that dissolve? How do people like Anon above get their relationships back on track?
This is excellent! How did you learn this stuff?
Anonymous - thank you for sharing your story. Illness takes its toll on our relationships in many ways - sex is only one of them. I'm glad you got yours back on track.
I wonder -- Maybe people who enjoyed a more active sex life miss it more. But maybe that history also helps to give the couple an important set of memories to hold onto.
Lynda - sounds like you and your husband have reached a stable sexual equilibrium that works for both of you. That's an accomplishment.
Baffled - thanks for the link to the Chronic Babe post. It has a lot of good material.
Bad Caregiver -- your point about when a relationship goes downhill, the lack of sex becomes less important than the reasons you stopped having it in the first place is very well taken. While the lack of sex may or may not be a big loss - any underlying relationship fractures can be the more serious issue.
I will take you up on writing a post about what helps a relationship stay strong when illness intrudes. I think communication is a huge factor (but not the only one)in determining whether one's relationship thrives or dissolves under the strains of illness. Have a look at the archives on this blog, especially under Communication.
Thanks to all of you for your thoughts.
I am a 19 year old and have been in a relationship for 2 years. About a half year into our relationship is when we tried to have sex and also when I found out about my vulvodynia. It always surprises me how close we have become because of what I have and how we are able to communicate to each other. I started a blog about my experiences here. http://www.followyourheart513.blogspot.com/
Nice article, thanks for the information.
Post a Comment