Saturday, August 13, 2011

Daring to Hope?

I recently started a new medication, which may be having a positive effect on my pain condition. This is the first major, desirable shift in over ten years.

For the first few months on this medication, I couldn't even allow myself to think that my pain could be controlled with only one, relatively benign drug. And I certainly couldn't express hope out loud. I did not want to offer any bait to evil spirits lingering in my vicinity, eager to pounce on optimism and turn it into yet another disappointment.

Over the years I have consulted most genres of specialists - from neurologists to gynecologists to uro-gynecologists to orthopedists to rheumatologists. I even saw a tropical medicine specialist. In my desperation, I also wandered over onto the fringe side of the healing spectrum and got some comfort from crystals and potions - although no decrease in my pain.

I have been primed to expect defeat. Richard, an optimist and scientist, has always believed in probability. And probability tells him that if I try enough options, some of them will work. His mantra has been: "There's always something more to try."

More often than not, I found this phrase to be exhausting. It left me feeling like a parched wanderer in an endless desert forcing myself to rise up to scale one more sand dune in the hopes of reaching an ever-vanishing oasis.

Recently, Richard began to give voice to hopes of recovery. I told him, "Shush. Be quiet." I'm not ready yet to broadcast.

For now, reaching toward hope is harder than anticipating more pain.


cinderkeys said...

Congratulations! Fingers crossed.

You haven't named the medication. People with chronic pain will probably want to ask. Any reason for keeping it under wraps?

Barbara Kivowitz said...

Thanks Cinderkeys.

No reason for keeping the name of the new med under wraps.

In the 12 years I have been living with pain, I never received a diagnosis. A new specialist I saw recently thought I might have interstitial cystitis (even though that was ruled out many years ago. He started me on Elmiron - a drug specific to IC - and it seems to be having a positive effect.

Jupitor Chakma said...

Yes, NEVER EVER GIVE UP, should be the mantra of life. Don't give up and keep trying to find a solution and you will find it sooner or later.

Rochelle said...

Hoping, hoping, hoping along with you! I understand not wanting to hope for the best... it can truly be so hard, but I will lift up prayers for you that it'll get better!!