While this article doesn't refer to illness, I thought it might be interesting to you for it's take on how to thwart divorce. Divorce and serious illness are not strangers to each other. In one study, when the man became ill, only 3 percent experienced the end of a marriage; but among women, about 21 percent ended up separated or divorced.
.....A relationship does not just end over night. It takes time. But there is that point in the relationship where the marriage "jumps the shark," as they say. It's often that one thing that happens over and over again, without the ability to change or compromise, and both partners emotionally close down on each other.
So when that one thing comes up, instead of shutting down, putting up your dukes, or setting down your battleground lines--basically letting your ego take over--what if that moment, when everything started going haywire, you actually do the exact opposite of what you normally do? What if, instead, you thought to yourself, "What does my partner need right now, what does my partner need today that makes them feel loved, and how can I provide that for them?"
So many times we really do know how to love the other partner, we know what they need and how to provide it. But we refuse to do those things because they're not doing things for us, they're not giving us what we want. That's probably how the majority of relationships end. The If-you-don't-do-it-for-me-I'm-not-going-to-do-it-for-you syndrome, and then a couple years later you're divorced, angry, pissed off, and ready to start over with the hope of a fresh new relationship. One that will probably repeat itself if you did not learn the lesson the first time around.
We refuse to love our partner the way they need, so the battlegrounds are drawn. Once the battlegrounds are drawn, you can kiss that relationship goodbye because there is no way in the world you're going to give in at that point. And neither is your partner. It often becomes a very dangerous tit-for-tat game that has no chance in hell of ever surviving or finding the love in the relationship again.
Relationships are a beautiful thing, and we could cut down on the divorce rate dramatically if we just spent a little bit of time every single day loving our partners instead of responding by how they treat or have treated us.....
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Your thoughts?
4 comments:
You are right, of course, finding that space inside when the words have started to fly remains the most difficult transition in my emotional world. As the years go by, we get better at it but I agree that if we did it the way you describe, the world would be a much less turmoiled place to live. Practice is the key....
I haven't been divorced (or married), but the writer's perspective seems a little simplistic. If your spouse is treating you badly, responding with kindness might encourage the bad behavior.
My assessment is oversimplified too. It's possible to respond constructively, while still letting your spouse know the behavior made you unhappy. Possible, but really, really hard, especially on the fly.
The writer himself validated my reaction at the end: "If you continue to take away your love every time you don't get it back--instead of loving your partner and expecting nothing in return--it's going to be the same. How do I know that? Because I've done it in my relationships. I haven't learned that lesson yet. I think most people haven't."
I agree most of the time the issue is two people looking to fullfill their own needs instead of choosing to love the one across from them, the lines get drawn and eventually atrophy sets in.
I've been in this situation... what can happen with this scenario is that one person gives and gives and gives, and wracks their brain trying to find out what the other person needs to feel loved... and doesn't get anything in return. Then what? There's only so long you can give everything you have, without expecting anything in return, before it catches up to you. I don't know. It's rough. It takes two people to keep a relationship going. If one person is selfless, and the other person isn't... it ends up not going so well.
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